You know it's just hard to know after a while if you're doing any good, if anyone cares, if you're not just a professional I'm screaming at children. And I've had real moments, evidence I hope that that's not the case but there's a lot of the people you're trying to help telling you that you're no good and they don't want it and it becomes tempting at some point to just say ok.
And you get a thicker skin to it after a while but you know with your skin so thick it becomes harder to feel anything. And I wanted to leave it before I stopped caring, always. I kind of left it at the peak of my career and my powers but that is like me too I suppose.
People always say it's not the kids it's the bureaucracy and bullshit that makes them leave, but not me. I mean it's the kids that make me stay as well, I mean they're the thing I care about. Bureaucracy might add hours to my day but it doesn't give me feelings. If anything it's not the actual reporting on stuff that I mind it's like the way the tools we have to use are made to be super user unfriendly which means you know that my life being faster and easier, my time was not valued by the institution. And it's very hierarchical which is not the best way to run an organisation and they try to pretend it's not in some ways which just makes you more resentful.
But most of all it's just exhausting kind of work, sandpaper on the skin, so much stimulus and noise and aggression from all sides. I'm not sure I can plunge back into that cold bath. I stayed pretty good for a long time. I went in there singing right to the end. I just don't want to yell anymore. I don't want to beg to be heard.
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