I've been hiding out from the world of the internet for a little while here. I think I don't want to attempt to express, at least not publicly, what I'm feeling, what I'm doing. There's been a lot of transitions and feelings, getting home, Jes leaving. And a lot of conversations, or maybe just one, that I don't want to have with the world. I was pretty successful in communicating to everyone last year, that I didn't want to know what I was doing with this year and wanted to let it come to me/find it this year. Only now of course it's this year, and I still feel a strong compulsion to not know the answers to a lot of questions. Am I going back to work? What do I want to do this year? Do I want more education? To try to get another job? And I mean it's May today, it's not just this year, the year is half over. Or close to that.
But I've been pretty happy, and pretty invested in what I've been doing. But the things I've been doing are kind of indefensible as far as what I'm going to make my life about. But I don't want to address that, or defend it. I have this certainty (mostly) that it's going to come to me, or it won't and that will also be ok.
So what I've been doing since I got home Feb 15 has basically been cleaning my house. Though those who know me know that that's been pretty involved. Furniture has been bought, shelves installed. That's a major life project or something that's in its final stages, but as yet incomplete. All the rooms look like how I want them now, clean basically and organised and the right things in each room and with that airy openness and no filth jumbles and no roach crap and fit for purpose of what we're doing with our lives right now. But I still haven't dug out and cleaned all the books in the library, or faced my personal papers, or washed the walls, or rehung the art. Some of that is stuff I need to do with Jeremy, and some is just stuff that feels like a drag. But Jes and I spent a month just working on the kitchen.
And going to Sydney, and playing Pokemon, and celebrating my birthday and talking about our lives, and saying goodbye to each other, and having welcome back parties with everyone I know. So lots of stuff.
Another thing I've been doing is repairing Jeremy's mind and heart, which needed some doing, and we're seeing some progress on. He's still more tired than I would like, and restless in a way that needs addressing. But he's having his own ideas about what he'd like, to eat to do to see, and that sense of dragging himself each day into his life is subsiding some.
And another thing I've had sort of continuous house guests. Jes left March 15th, and Vanessa showed up two days later. I had a week or two after that and then Kelvin came, and then Bharath and Mat arrived the day after that. They left last weekend, by which I mean Tuesday so a three day week and a cold later and now Jeremy and I are sitting around both with colds on our three day weekend. I'm heading out to see Ducky in a week or so, so the friend bomb will keep going off for a while yet. I've seen Marie a few times, she's been her usual showing up with bubbles awesome self, and Nick and Kimmi are regular features, and Jules has made plans with me a couple good times, but I haven't seen Neil since my coming home party and you know, I am spending most of my time on my own, or with my out of towners or with Jeremy.
I might write about the future later. And I have written a bunch of things over the last couple months which I might post. But this is my now, mostly.
